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Stay present
Today I spent the day at the beach, beautiful day with friends. After we stopped to get something to eat.
It was on the water, when we were done we walked to the back near the water and sat with our drinks in the beautiful backyard waterfront section.
Other people started doing the same, there were 2 couples , both sets were married, and both women were on their phones. The men weren’t, and tried to make small talk but that’s all it was, they both continued on their phones.
Now I know there’s 3 sides to every story, but being twice their age, I felt that those women should have had their phones put away and be in the moment with their husbands.
Marriage is hard as it is, you need presence especially on date nights. It’s hard work especially if you want it to work for the long run.
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How it goes
Today I changed my relationship status on Facebook. I did this today because he has updated his already.
I thought it would have been harder than it actually was. It wasn’t, just a little sentimental, after all we were together for 33 years, more time with him than being single.
I think because I have been single, it has made it easier for me to accept and transition into this new phase.
Looking forward to what the next chapter in my life brings, hoping to travel more, strengthen my existing friendships and making memories that are honest.
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Day 52
Not everything you lose is a loss.
Day 67…..I know this, I have healed and have grown a lot. The pain is still there though if you still love.
I do love him and I probably always will, even though it’s over and we’ve moved on, You can’t stop caring, or loving someone you built your life with for thirty years.
I’m at a better place in my life, meaning it’s more peaceful, calm, joyful.
However, triggers are real. I had a call with my lawyer earlier today , she needed some Adderall information. Then she asked if we had a cut off date….A cut off date? I asked, then she went on to explain what that meant, but I was already triggered, it was a realization that I still struggle with, being divorced.
I filed for divorce, we needed that to heal, move on, enjoy the rest of our lives without the chaos we were dealing with. Divorce though, I don’t know why, that word bothers me, and I guess because I love him still, it’s painful knowing that part of us will be ended, it won’t be us, my husband, his wife.
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Conversations
I was having a conversation with a friend, and we got on the subject of how we would be living, and feeling in another 20 years.
I’m 53 today, So when I look ahead at myself at 73 I’m hoping to be retired, enjoying life, and remaining active.
Then she brought to my attention how it might not be that way or that easy. She said just look back 20 years and how you were feeling then.
Really quickly. I thought back 20 years and then I realized she was probably right. Until I woke up the next morning.
I started thinking about our whole conversation again and then I started thinking back 20 years ago. I was 33. We had just sold our business, We were married for 6 years, to help each other out, We worked for my mother-in-law to give her a break and she was helping us so we would have income.
I was smoking cigarettes a pack of day, We did not have any children, We did not exercise, held crazy hours and eating was never on time or that healthy.
Today being 53, I own my own business. I work 3 days a week, I do not smoke cigarettes, I work out three days a week, and I am surrounded by amazing family and friends that I call family.
I think I’m going to be okay in 20 years, I’m going to manifest it, I plan on retiring in 8 years, maybe do something for fun or pick up a hobby, and I plan on continuing to work out and although my body will be older, I plan on enjoying it till the end.
Enjoying life one day at a time.
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New Year!
I brought the new year in with a trip to Florida with my parents. My treat, air, stay, car. Their treat was the dining.
We’re all getting older so it was nice to go away together, last time we did that, just the three of us was 1996. Charleston. What an amazing place and trip !
Visited with my Aunt and Uncle on a few days and they even joined us on epiphany Day, Jan 6. That’s the main reason we went to Florida and Tarpon Springs
All the restaurants we ate at were great, one better than the other. We even took a boat tour that included shell picking on the Gulf.
Started the year off right, now back to reality.
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Been a while
Summer was great! Kept my social calendar full with friends Old and New.
It was the best summer I’ve had in a very long time!
Now that it’s over I’m still in high gear, enjoying life and living it to my fullest. I am grateful for that.
Today however, I’ve hit a slump. Sadness of the reality of us coming to an end . It’s been almost a year on our own, and we have been very amicable towards each other, but the sadness is still here.
Today we met up to divide something between the two of us, and while filling out the paperwork, he had to state who I was to him, he answered wife, then he had to put the reason, he froze, gave me the paperwork to answer, which I couldn’t, first because It should have been him to fill out, and I also struggled to have to write it, Divorce . I gave it back to him, and he sat there quietly, staring at the paper, until I spelled it out for him, literally.
My heart is heavy, I’ve been busy enjoying life, trying to move on, and now I’m sad again. We aren’t even divorced yet, and I’m dreading the day we legally are going to be.
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Overthinking
I know I’m in a better place in my life, but I often find myself thinking about him, what if he tried to make it work?
When I see him, I see a sadness within him, defeated, too much on his plate, tired and drained.
I know for me I’m better off, I would always have to deal with her, her manipulation and lies. He didn’t stand up to her then and he wouldn’t later.
He may be better off too, only have to deal with one person, even though he knows how she is, he’s doing it all for his daughter.
But was it worth it? Isn’t happiness important? Can’t love overcome everything? I find myself asking these questions over and over again.
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Hey, Vamos!
So I got a chance to go to Tulum, Mexico with a friend. Best quickest decision I ever made.
Needed it. Family resort, loved how I was able to connect with myself and take a break from the normal routine Don’t be mistaken, I’m grateful for my normal routine. Blessed.
Relaxed, unwinded and laughed! Laughed a Lot! So nice to have no plans, or any specific time to be anywhere in particular. Great to just enjoy the present and make memories that will never be forgotten.
Mexico, as always….thank you for the experience , your culture, food, and people. Truly blessed to have had the opportunity to enjoy time away with a friend and yet still be able to connect with myself on a deeper level.
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His Birthday
I would say that I am in a good place in my life right now. I’m grateful. I feel a sadness today, that I can’t be with him, spend the day with him to celebrate his birthday.
I don’t have the same feelings as I used to, but I miss him at times, his comfort I guess. Today is his birthday, the first one Im not a part of in 34 years.
Glad I was able to give him this weekend off at least. Happy Birthday! Wish you many more healthy and happy years.
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Happy -1 Year
I know, you are wondering why a negative?
So we were married for 25 years before we separated. June 29 is our wedding anniversary, and that day I celebrated -1.
Made plans with a couple friends, we were going to see Mission Dance Saw them with one of these girls the week before, amazing!
We pregamed at Metropolitan Cafe for drinks, Metro never disappoints! Laughing and enjoying ourselves, that’s when I came up with it.
I remember asking them, do you know what today is, and neither remembered, so I said, today is the day I got married, 26 years ago, so Happy Negative 1!!!
Laughed more, enjoyed the concert, even got to see him after, neither of us mentioned the anniversary, and I wanted so much to tell him Happy Negative 1, but I didn’t. I was having a great day that I didn’t want any bad vibes.
We ate, drank coffee, and laughed more! Even though I had my own party with my amazing friends, I was still able to see him on the day we said I do, even if we’re apart.
Baby steps.
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Unfinished Coffee 