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Almost Done
So I’m at the end, the end of my living arrangements, the end of the pack up, it took about a month.
Yesterday I brought Us up to him. How did we get here? How did this happen? Why didn’t we communicate more? Why?
At first it was as if he didn’t want to talk about it like usual. I explained to him that I needed to know, how the two of us who are still respectful and cordial with each other, still living under the same roof, sleeping in the same bed, and having meals together just end our 25 year marriage without working on it jointly?
This boggles my mind, it’s not like either of us hate each other Even after everything we have been through.
Although he responded, it’s still a little shocking. He just didn’t want to do it anymore. Wow!! Thats all I have , Wow!
A lot of things go through my mind. Okay so you loved me but you’re not in love with me. anymore. Okay, I accept that and you’re being courteous out of genuinely caring and being a good human? Or is there an ulterior motive here?
There’s only a limit to my trust for him now. honestly, He hasn’t done anything to build on that. In fact, he’s done multiple things to make me question it more.
After I heard that I was sad. I cried. I also wiped my tears and changed my mindset.
Tomorrow is my moving day. My bed won’t arrive for a week later and I was going to stay in our house until my bed was delivered.
But now i think to myself, why would you stay? Why would you stay somewhere where you really aren’t even wanted. It’s only because you’re needed.
So when I leave tomorrow I will take all my stuff with me and only come back to pick up anything I couldn’t take with me originally that I want to take. We’re closing on the property in a couple weeks anyway.
It’s time to focus on just myself. Not worry about what’s going on with him. His health if he needs help doing anything he needs to figure all of that on his own because this was his choice. This is what he wanted. And in the end, I hope I see why this played out this way in my life. I pray that my new journey is filled with good health and happiness.
I am a good person with good values. I have a lot to give. I am very giving. And although those are my positive, I do have negative traits just like every other person.
Patths, journeys, new beginnings.
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Pack, load, unload, put away
Been crazy busy, packing, loading up the car, unloading at my new house, putting everything away.
It’s exhausting and nice at the same time.
Exhausting because I am doing this all alone, without any help while working, getting the new place ready, dealing with contractors, vendors, and everyday life.
Nice because it’s the start of my new life, path and journey. Looking forward to when everything is done and put away, or mostly done. When I can just sit and look at my newest accomplishment. To be still, and happy.
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One of my Triggers
As I reflect on how this situation can be a growing experience, I try to focus on something positive.
My route to work will no longer require me to pass through her town, which means there is little to no chance of her driving past me.
One of my Triggers is just that, driving to work, listening to the radio, feeling good, and there she goes, I spot her car in the distance, sure enough I see the license plate, it’s her, and although she does not see or notice me, just passing her changes everything.
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Packing Up
So today I tackled the living room and a closet in the basement.
The closet was easy, the living room, well that is another story.
It brought me to tears packing up our wedding album, so sentimental and so many memories of what I thought would be forever.
I continued to pack the room and then it happened again, this time when I took our wedding picture off the wall.
It was hard, I’m not going to lie, just wondering why and how this came to be like this. I’m moving on with my life, hoping the next chapter brings me good health and happiness.
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Thanksgiving
Very different than the last twenty five years, but that’s going to be my new normal. Different.
Thankful for another year, my parents, family and friends.
This one was different though, because we spent it apart. Another first.
I did enjoy the day with my parents. Thankful for them.
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Nightmare or Tantrum is
He carried her in and she was sleeping, laid her to rest on the couch.
She slept for the next two hours. When she woke up, she was screaming and crying.
We couldn’t even understand her at first, she was crying so heavy, until she settled down a bit, she was saying she wanted to go home.
Maybe she had a nightmare? Possibly, but he thought he was losing his bond with her since he has been so busy lately and couldn’t spend much time with her.
This made him sad, he cried too. I got emotional too, and not for her, I felt it was either a dream, or she was confused prior to sleeping she was in a car, or even a tantrum, they don’t call it terrible twos for nothing. I got emotional from his pain.
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First of many first’s!
Today I had a first,. Not only was it the first time on a train by myself, but with a carry-on!
Although the train was delayed an hour, I was sitting, outside, in perfect 75 degree weather on November 5 in Jersey!
Why would I complain??? It was perfect! Plus I was off from work.
Looking forward to this weekend in the City, a lot of firsts are coming.
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Times flying
Every day is a day closer to moving. Moving out, moving on, moving forward.
Feels so long ago we were looking for our places, although it’s been only months.
Now that we both have closed on our next chapter in life, we find ourselves more emotional than ever.
For me, most days are good. Time is filled with work, and the planning of decor, contractor after contractor.
The sadness sneaks into one of those good days like a snake. Making it a hard and exhausting .
Crying as if the end was here.
I guess it’s near, our end anyway. The end of what used to be.
I know I will have my ups and downs and I know I will survive it. I am a strong woman, with an amazing support group of girls. Change is hard for me, especially after so many years.
You never know what life brings, and although I may not have chosen this path for myself, I will embrace it and live it how I want, and without any regrets.
I will get through the bad days, just as I have in the past, it will only make me stronger. I will embrace what life has to offer me as best as I can. I will stay focused and determined.
Life is short and time flies.
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Why
As I sit here, I find myself asking why did it happen like this. Why didn’t he do more to not lose us and what we had. Why couldn’t we work on us more, harder?
Is it really he thought he was taking the easier way out? To have less to deal with, without thinking of the emotional consequences. Did the last thirty plus years mean nothing? We’re such a great team, even in business, why couldn’t he work hard on us just like we work hard on everything else in our lives?
I know what’s done is done, and I know when doors close others open, but my heart breaks just to think about it. I know I will survive, because I’m a survivor for sure, but I wish it was different, even after all I have been through, I still want us.
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Closing Day
New chapter, new journey, new life.
Closed on my new townhouse last week. Excited, and nervous.
Excited for the new journey I have ahead of me. Hoping it’s a smooth path, with as little bumps in the road as the last few years have been. New town, new home, a new beginning.
Nervous for the New just as I am excited for it. There will be a lot of firsts. Never have I lived alone, This is both calming and anxiety filled for me. The things I once didn’t have to worry about, are now on my shoulders. I consider myself a Doer, I usually get things done, but it can still be overwhelming.
Life…it doesn’t matter where you are in it, it’s always your next move.
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Unfinished Coffee 